Holding On To What I Know

“Jesus wept.” – John 11:35

There have been moments, days, periods of time where I have been overcome with reality and just do not know if I can deal with what I am in.  Growing up there was a period of several years I was swimming in emotional pain but no one knew.  I was very angry with God, feeling as though He had left me and not knowing why.  What was wrong with me that He was not helping me, loving me, talking to me?  It was a very dark time for me.  I got through that period out of shear will of wanting to live in anger.  I survived that period because I found my Jesus on the other side.  He had never left me.  He had been there in my pain desperately waiting for me to talk to Him, listen to Him, lean on Him.  Instead I hated Him and turned my back.  But He was there.

When my grandma died suddenly it felt as though the air had been sucked out of the room.  I could not breathe.  This woman loved me purely for me.  While those of us that loved her mourned and were covered in grief her funeral was one of celebration and love.  She left a message for the pastor to read.  Her message of love to her family and her love of her Lord was made very clear in her life and at her funeral.  I was comforted in this time of mourning knowing my Jesus.  My Jesus had saved her from long-term suffering that so many of her siblings had faced with her by their side.  I still cry from time to time when I think of her because I miss her so.  But I know I will see her again and she will meet my children one day.

I have questioned Jesus’ plan for my life when it was clear what He wanted for me was not what I wanted.  It was a painful time and one of questioning.  But it was in this year long period that I discovered another truth of my Jesus.  His peace.  I heard an analogy, whether in scripture or by a person I cannot remember, that struck a deep chord in me.  Jesus’ peace is like a river.  It does not stand still but moves with us, through the babbling brook and peaceful stages while also down the raging rapids.  It was this peace I clung to like a life-preserver and what helped me realize that while I am not able to understand all of my Jesus I can still know Him.

Through my life up to this point I have learned so much about my Jesus and who I know Him to be.  There is much, much I do not understand.  I have come to accept this and to know that I may not ever have that understanding before I meet my Jesus in person.  Knowing my Jesus is what helps me get through times like this week.  When a cousin’s young child died unexpectedly I immediately grieved for their incredible loss.  My heart aches for them, for the entire extended family that love each other deeply.  I do not understand her death.  I do not understand why my loved ones have to hurt like this.

But I know this.  My Jesus is with them.  My Jesus loves them.  My Jesus is holding their little girl.  My Jesus is weeping with them.


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